KITOTO: My mother won’t tell me who my biological father is


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I am a first year university student. My parents divorced when I was in Class Five. I have been facing so many challenges since their breakup. My dad refused to pay my school fees, so I depended only on my mum for everything. Recently, I learned that the person I have been calling dad is not my biological father.

When I confronted my mum, she refused to tell me the truth. Don’t I deserve to know my biological father?

But this is not my only problem. Last semester, I almost did not sit for my exams due to fee arrears. Please help me because I do not know what to do. I’m confused. I feel as if the whole world is against me.

This is definitely a difficult season for you.

Divorce may seem like a quick way out, and at times, the only option for couples facing marital problems, however, not many consider the effects it has on the children, especially young ones. Having your parents go separate ways when you were that young must have left you confused and devastated.

How I wish that those who decide to go separate ways involve children counsellors over a period of time to walk with their children through this difficult time. But I digress.

Your case is even more distressing because you later discovered that the man you had assumed was your biological father all along was not, and even worse, your mother had kept this fact to herself.

Your inner turmoil needs to be addressed. First, you are dealing with the effects of the divorce. In addition is the need to understand why your mum, according to you, lied about your real father. I may not know how you came to discover this, but whatever you are feeling, your mum deserves respect and gratitude from you. She has struggled to do her best to take you where you are now.

Also, she may have valid reasons for keeping this information from you.

Being a single parent may not have been her choice, she may have been trying to protect you from more hurt. The best you can do is to continue giving her the respect due to her. She did not abandon you, so do not take her devotion for granted. Knowing your biological father is your right, but I advise that you give your mother time to give you this information at her own time.

That said, your inner pain can only be challenged and confronted by you making a resolve to not live in the past. The past does nothing but cause us greater pain and regret. Wondering what might have happened will never give you the answers you are seeking, neither will complaining and blaming. 

1. Identify what is causing you the greatest tension right now. Is it lack of fees or  inner pain resulting from lack of disclosure about your real father? 

2. Resolve to remain grateful to those in your life, such as your mum, who has helped transport you to where you are today. 

3. Deal with your emotions and choose to focus on your university education. 

4. Show your mum that as long as you operate as a team, you can deal with whatever challenges that may come your way. Share your pain together instead of blaming her. Try to understand her perspective and she in turn will listen to you. 

5. Determine to remain positive as all that is happening plays out. 

6. Your mother needs you just as you need her, so don’t let your hurt give birth to two emotionally distraught and wounded people. 

All the best as you find the healing and answers you’re looking for.

rn rn

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