I appreciate the work you are doing, providing wise counsel. I am an avid reader of your column.
I have a problem, which befell me a fortnight ago. After swapping phones with my fiancée of one year, and whom I was planning to walk down the aisle later this year, I found messages showing that she is having clandestine affairs with two married men.
She has been asking for money from them, which they have been sending her, as evident from the M-Pesa messages.
Then she suddenly called off our relationship before I could confront her. I had given her my heart and now these revelations are weighing down on me. I don’t know what to do. Could you suggest what step(s) I should take after all this?
I can understand that discovering your fiancée’s infidelity is causing you a lot of pain, and you are struggling to come to terms with the fact that someone you trusted could betray you and cause you so much pain.
I also sense your desperation to have these issues resolved. Bringing closure to a relationship is a matter that depends on an individual.
However, let’s talk about some of the issues you raised that can give you some food for thought. Your fiancée was aware of the fact that you knew about her relationship with these two men.
And the fact that she is the one who ended the relationship seems to make it worse for you. I don’t know why you should be disappointed.
My take is that she could have been scared of the outcome of a confrontation. It easy to trip and fall, but it takes great courage to admit the fall and look for ways of getting back on your feet.
Fear has a way of making us face the truth even though we know that when we face that fear and embrace the truth, we will be free.
It seems as if you think that you would have felt better if you were the one who had ended the relationship. However, that is selfish and a sign of pride.
Any relationship leading to marriage requires two committed people for it to thrive and grow to its full potential.
As for her, she was not willing to face the truth.
I believe it is better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage, even though it might hurt. Although you are going through a painful moment now, with time, you will come to appreciate it.
Imagine discovering that your spouse is cheating on you when you are already married with children. Be grateful that you discovered her infidelity in good time.
Your focus right now should be on how you can pick yourself up and move on. Here are some suggestions that will help you move on and make something meaningful of your life:
1. Release her and make a conscious decision not to judge her through the eyes of the past.
2. Make a conscious decision to forgive her for cheating on you; there is no need to continue hurting for someone who has moved on.
3. Should you decide to meet up with her, the sole aim should be to bring the relationship to closure without expecting her to be remorseful.
4. Give her a hearing if she is willing to meet you and discuss the issue. Also, let go if she decides not to meet up with you.
5. Examine your own motives for the relationship. Your do not derive your identity from the relationship.
6. Take some time to heal and recover before you consider getting into another relationship.
I’m a great fan of your column and I’m a bit worried about my current relationship. I am 23 years old and I have been dating a man who is 36.
He has really supported me financially but he is very secretive. He has never introduced me to any of his family members or friends and he never mentions anything to do with marriage, although we have been dating for more than two years.
He has never told me where he lives since he is a transit truck driver. We haven’t met for 10 months now, which is odd and makes me feel insecure.
About two months ago, I met another man who is also 36 and has two children. His wife left him three years ago and married someone else.
I love him because he was open from the day we met and he is hardworking; I love his kids as well. I have no problem marrying him but the problem is that I don’t know how my family will take it.
Besides, I don’t know what would happen if his wife were to come back after we have settled down.
Worse still, I have not yet told this man that I am committed to someone else, for whom I have no feelings, and with whom I relate just as a friend.
I am really confused. Please help.
I am a bit lost as to where you are at with regard to navigating your love life. The situation with your first man does not show any commitment, as far as I can see. It seems as if you are the one trying to make it work.
In relationships, you have to begin by defining what you want. You need to know clearly the factors that you consider vital for a successful marriage. What are the things that are most important to you as you journey towards marriage?
This might appear unimportant because you might be in a hurry and think, “I can find the person; the rest will sort itself out”.
Getting rid of our inner anxieties and inadequacies about marriage helps us relearn what really matters. This is key as it will help you define your priorities so that you are not always second-guessing yourself or being controlled by fear.
Many, like you, enter into relationships without taking into consideration what is motivating them. Receiving emotional or financial support from each another does not make for a great relationship that promises a lasting marriage.
Before you consider getting involved in another relationship, it is important to redefine what drives you in life. There are some mistakes that take a long time to heal and go away even after you have dealt with them. Deal with any expectations that might lead to conflict in the future.
As far as the man you met recently is concerned, what is the difference? Could it be that you are still emotionally wounded and feeling lonely?
This man has baggage with him so you need to soberly ask yourself whether you understand his history well before you make a move.
For instance, do you know why his wife left him? How has he dealt with the issues that led to their separation?
What does it mean for you to become a mother to his children? Remember that your fears regarding his former wife coming back could just be another warning to help you ask the right questions.
The fact that you have known this man for only two months and are already considering marrying him makes me wonder whether you are not setting yourself up for another disappointment.
I suggest that you take some time and do some soul-searching. There is a lot more to life than getting married.
As much as marriage is an important step in human relationships, when it does happen, it is important to ensure that it is based on a well-laid foundation.